Return

I tried so hard to keep up with this blog last year (and did relatively well), and as of today, it's been over two months since I've posted. I missed the anniversary of my blog's conception, too. Happy birthday, blog. I love you... even if you don't think so.

But seriously, I think I deserve the award for world's worst blogger. 

I promise I'm not dead. I'm only, um, mostly dead. 

School tends to take a lot out of me, and this semester is no exception. Between sixteen hours' worth of class a week, the homework that comes with those sixteen hours, the introduction of a minor, one last semester of most of my worldview classes, ten hours of work, keeping some semblance of a social life, and making sure to sleep and eat (and not depend on caffeine)... Yeah. Let's just say I'm attempting to keep my sanity and move on.

To you readers: I'm sorry that my blog description is filled with lies. There are no spectacular happenstances or spontaneous adventures. I have just been spewing empty vows to you all in hopes that I could convince myself that I am a capable blogger. Still, just because I have done wrong in the past, that does not mean I can't do right later. As an attempt to make it up to you, I will start posting once every two weeks starting... October 25.

From there, I'll start building my blog up again from scratch. I want this to be more than just somewhere I have to churn out pieces for deadlines – trust me, I do that enough in school. To be able to enjoy what I'm writing and show readers that is my goal.

So yeah. If you're one of the few who's been reading since the beginning, thanks for sticking around. You're all wonderful. I hope I can bring a little more to the table this time around and actually keep up.

If there's anything you'd like to see – old or new – you should tell me about it! I want to expand my horizons on this blog but have so many ideas that it's sort of hard to choose. Hearing what you all have to say would help a lot more than you think it would.

Until then... I'll be back, bigger and better than before.

– Sara

Mistake

The topic of this post isn't as serious as the title makes it seem, I swear.

I just wanted to apologize for telling you readers (however many of you there are) that I would post every couple of weeks. I've been slacking because... Well, there's actually no legitimate reason. I haven't been doing very much since my last post, aside from visiting friends here and there. I've just been lethargic and unwilling to do very much lately, is all.

That being said, I probably won't get back to posting regularly until I return to Jackson in a few weeks – August 17, to be precise. That's right, summer's almost over, and I'm headed home soon! My excitement can't be expressed in words. It's probably easier to do so in a series of question marks and exclamation points, like so: ???!!!!!?????!?!?!!!!!!!!!!????!?!?!?!?!?!!

*ahem* Anyways.

So take this post as a sign that I am well and alive, although I'm currently blogging from Karis' hometown in Virginia and not my own. My main reason for being here (besides getting to catch up with one of my closest friends) is a concert in Charlotte, North Carolina featuring New Politics, Paramore, and Fall Out Boy! That's happening tomorrow, so... expect pictures and a post of gushing about the concert in a few weeks.

Hopefully, I'll be able to come up with some ideas for blog posts before then... or execute the ones I have now. That works, too. Look forward to that, and enjoy the rest of what summer has to offer... even if it is the seasonal flavors from everyone's favorite communistic coffee chain. (;

Until next time!

– Sara

Adjustment

Yikes. I remember explicitly stating that I was going to post once every two weeks when I left Belhaven... Yet here I am, over a month later, and I'm just getting around to updating. I could spew a thousand apologies to the few people that actually read this blog, but I feel like they'd just be empty because I have no legitimate reason for my not posting. I think it was merely not doing anything worthy of blogging about or a lack of motivation to do much of anything...

But I digress.

My summer vacation thus far has been relatively uneventful. When I first arrived in Vancleave, I felt lost and uprooted from the place that had become my home. It helped that I still saw Christian every day because I was able to remind myself that the past nine months of my life were not merely a wild dream. She was aware of all that had gone on just like I was, and it helped me adjust. She and her family were wonderful hosts to me for the entire month of May; the fact that they consider me family enough to allow me to sleep over for so long warms the coddles of my heart. Aside from catching up with the few friends I have, now that they don't see me every day in the halls, the month of May is a blur of Tumblr, Guitar Hero, writing poetry, listening to countless hours of music, and watching movies.

However, when I returned to my place of residence in Vicksburg, Mississippi, the little solace I found in Vancleave was yanked from under me, and I found myself falling into a place I hadn't been in a long while and never wanted to return to. Ideally, seeing my family again should have shot my heart skyward. My mother and sister seemed excited to see me, from the countless phone calls I had received since I had left Jackson. But for some reason, I couldn't for the life of me reciprocate the pure joy that they exuded. Instead, I felt this sense of dread clenching my heart at the thought of going back. I had stayed with my best friend and her family the day before I left, and I distinctly remember her mother asking me if I was okay – she had noticed before I did that I was anxious about going home.

My reasons for my anxieties are so intricately entangled that I could not even begin to explain them in a blog post. In short, I had no desire to stay in Vicksburg – a place that I had no emotional attachment to and where nobody knew who I was anymore. Still, I was obligated to see my family for obvious reasons, so I journeyed back to central Mississippi on Memorial Day. Now that I think about it, I find it ironic that while many were celebrating their freedom, I was headed to a place where the wings I'd spread at school were now clipped, keeping me trapped in a cage that reeks of cleaning products and perfume.

The first week was by far the worst. I had no desire to do anything or see anybody, and ingesting anything besides a cup or two of coffee and a few bananas a day was out of the question. This thick fog of anxiety and sadness weighed me down, and it wasn't until I asked for help from Kerry that I was able to find some sort of relief from the pressure. Now, things are a little easier, although I'm far from content with where I am.

You're probably reading this and thinking, "Seriously, Sara, it's not that bad. You're home from college for the summer. Get a grip." It's more than that, though. Imagine being taken from the one place you could be yourself without fear of being invalidated or belittled for things you can't help. Belhaven is where I've been able to grow not only as a student, but as a friend, a person, and a daughter of Christ. I don't fit in the same place of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life before I left, and to try to be forced to do so hurts.

I will say, though, that my summer isn't completely terrible so far. Texting and Skyping with my friends from school has made things a lot more bearable, and praying to God and giving Him my troubles is more relieving than I ever would have guessed. I even listen to the sermons that Fondren Church puts up online to make up for not being able to go to church on Sundays like I would like to. I have even been able to see a couple of my friends in person!

Yes, I actually do live close enough to people from Belhaven to actually spend time with them. Kristine and I had been planning to hang out for a few weeks, and this past Monday, she drove from Madison (which is about an hour away from where I am) to pick me up so I could spend a couple of days with her. She, April, and I spent that Monday and Tuesday paddleboarding, looking around in different stores at one of the malls in Jackson, getting lunch and Starbucks, and just enjoying each other's company. I was sad when I had to return home, but I know that won't be the last time I'll see them until August.

In short, I'm slowly adjusting to being here. I'm more excited for summer to be over than I should be, but it could definitely be worse... I just have to take it one day at a time.

Before I disappear for who knows how long, I want to share a few songs with you guys! In honor of my favorite book's movie adaptation coming out in theaters yesterday, I want to share my favorite song from the soundtrack. I haven't seen The Fault in Our Stars yet, so I have no idea where this song is placed in the big scheme of things, but "Best Shot" by Birdy and Jaymes Young is such a heartwarming, beautiful track that I can't get out of my head.

Speaking of songs I can't get out of my head... I discovered a perfect summer jam for the pop-punk kid that lives in us all. If you listen to the radio, I'm sure you've heard this already, but "She Looks so Perfect" by 5 Seconds of Summer is one of those songs that I always catch myself singing. Like... imagine that scene from Easy A where Emma Stone's character goes from catching herself humming "Pocketful of Sunshine" to constantly belting it out wherever she goes. That's me with this song. (Also, if you like that song by 5SOS, you should definitely also check out "Don't Stop"... the music video involves them acting like goofs in superhero costumes and singing more catchy pop-punk hooks. What could be better?)

Lastly, I am in love with this cover of The Jackson 5's "Want You Back". Oh No Fiasco! does a wonderful job of making this song their own while still sticking close to the original – the main goal of a song cover. Sure, there are some lyric changes to keep the singer from committing a musical "no homo", but unlike most cases, I think it works well here.

I think that's about all I can say for now. I hope to come back in a couple of weeks with something besides me ranting about my life. Until next time! ^-^

- Sara

Untitled

Alternative title: "I have absolutely no idea what to title this, so I'm just going to be lame"

It seems that I've finally found the time to sit down and update this thing after a few weeks. *gasp* I have time to do things? I don't have a mile-long to-do list that makes me cringe with fear when attempting to tackle it? This is new. This must mean that... I FINISHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE!

The fact that I'm not a freshman anymore still hasn't sunk in yet. For some reason, I feel like I'm going to return to campus in August, and I'll still feel like a newbie. Then I'll see the actual freshmen, and it will dawn on me that to them, I'll be the upperclassman. It's scary stuff.

This past semester was taxing on my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I got sick not just once, but twice in the span of three months – a first for me. I spent a few more nights than I'd care to admit with caffeine-induced jitters and a last-minute assignment calling my name. Trying to help people that were having interpersonal problems was putting more stress on me than I thought, especially when I had problems of my own with different people. I began to live my life by the standard of my Lord and savior, and I'm now learning that there are many things that I do that are not what I should be doing. 

Honestly, there were times where all I wanted to do was crack under all of the pressure, and there was a very rare time that I did.

I make it sound like this past semester was terrible, don't I? I promise you that it was anything but. I don't think I could have asked for better ways to learn about adjusting to life on campus than through the trials I've been placed in these past few months. I was blessed with the opportunity to go to a school that I can consider home with people that I've grown to love as brothers and sisters. Without some of the people I'm friends with today, I wouldn't have made it through this past semester. From conversations that still ring in my ears to romps in the park late at night to special events orchestrated just for all of us to come together and enjoy each other's company, I can wholeheartedly say I have some special friends.

This one particular instance is still clear to me, since it only happened less than two weeks ago. As I mentioned in a previous post, I (and quite a few others) sort of learned to swing dance from our friend, James – a snarky theatre major with big dreams and more ambition than he knows what to do with. This night was different from the others because a few people's parents had come down, and Josh's and Christian's stuck around to watch the excitement. They saw us a bit more... candid than normal, since finals were over, but I know they enjoyed it.

In short, my night consisted of swing dancing, riff-offs (y'know, from Pitch Perfect? They're fun if you and your friends know enough songs to keep going), group hugs, and sad goodbyes. I don't know how many tears I shed that week, but most of them were during that night. Still, I know I'll see them again soon, and I cannot wait to see what the next semester has in store for me.

As this post draws to a close, I will share with you a couple of pictures from my last night on campus and a notice that I will be reducing my posting from once a week to once every two weeks. It's not that I don't have time; I just won't have enough content to keep readers satisfied during my boring summer. I hope to post something even more impressive each time instead! I'll be trying to do an album review or two at some point and maybe a book review, as well as some continuations of my music recommendation posts. Until next time. (:

- Sara

Hiatus

I went to a concert earlier tonight with Bryce and Kerry featuring a few local bands: John & Jacob, Rosco Bandana, and Seryn. They were all really good live, and every band had so much infectious energy onstage. I recommend all of these bands to you all tonight, so here are some songs to get you started.

Usually, I'd be up to posting about such an experience, but I'm just too tired. This semester is starting to catch up to me, and with all of my assignments and interpersonal relationship problems, I just can't seem to figure out what to do with myself.

Because of this, I've decided to take a small hiatus until May, when I am out for summer. I know that means I'm only missing two posts after this one, but those two Saturdays I usually post on will be put to good use. I'll be back in a few weeks with something great to share, I promise!

- Sara

Mixtape

(Alternatively titled: Playlist, Part II)

I wasn't quite sure where to go with this post today. Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been so overwhelming that I hadn't put much thought into blogging until yesterday. Still, I wanted to try to give you all something, so I decided that another look into that playlist I mentioned a few posts ago. You know, the one filled with songs that remind me of my time at Belhaven, aptly titled "#collegelife" (complete with unnecessary hashtag because why not?)

Most of these just remind me of certain times that I've had, so I can't quite hope that you'll relate to them in the same way. Still, I hope that you enjoy the songs for what they are. Who knows, perhaps you'll be able to have your own good times with these songs, or maybe you already have!

---

Hey Brother - Avicii

I had only a vague awareness that this song was popular when I first heard it, which was not on the radio, believe it or not. One Sunday morning on the way to church, Erica had had one of Kerry's mix CDs playing, and this song came on... and the rest is history. This song is always playing in my head lately, even if there are other songs in the forefront. It's a simple song with a great message that should be adhered to more often: people should reach out to each other in times of need. We need to show that people are capable of helping and loving each other without hesitation, especially in an society like ours – where we are encouraged to be independent and try merely to focus on bettering ourselves.

There's a Bible verse that comes to mind in talking about this that is one of the most, if not the most, basic rule of Christianity besides the Ten Commandments: "And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself" (Luke 10:27, ESV). We should have more faith, trust, and love for our brothers and sisters in Christ because they are the people we are to come together with in worship of our Lord. We can't exactly come together if we let petty issues get in the way of the reason we're coming together in the first place, can we? If we strengthen our bonds with our neighbors, we are given the ability to strengthen our bond with God.

I'm sure there are entire sermons dedicated to this topic, but I am nowhere near qualified nor knowledgeable enough to give one... So in short, love each other and lend a helping hand every once in a while, yeah?

---

Counting Stars - OneRepublic

This is another song that I found out was quite popular after I heard it on one of Kerry's mix tapes. (Seriously, if you guys want good mix tapes, you may as well go to Kerry.) This song has a lot in common with "Hey Brother" in that it's super-catchy and has a good message. The lead singer explained this song's meaning a while back, mentioning that it is about his and his wife's fiscal struggles when they were first married. He had once told her that one day, he wouldn't have to worry about counting dollars anymore because once his music took off, they would be only counting stars.

Hearing a modern pop song give such a positive message in an industry filled with songs about sex, wasting money, drugs, and other mindless topics is refreshing. The song speaks of having all these possibilities of what the speaker wishes he could do instead of doing the things that society expects him to do and feeling unsettled. He also says in the bridge that money easily used, or "burned" is merely ephemeral, and the lessons learned after using all of the money that today's people are so dependent on are more important. 

---

Your Bones - Of Monsters and Men

Michael played this song on one of many long nights we've spent in the creative writers' lounge here at Belhaven. It's been a while since I listened to this band since I haven't opened my iTunes in so long, but listening to it again tonight... I feel a solemnness deep in my heart. I get two really diverse meanings out of it. One one hand, it could be a Native American tribe dealing with the hardships of the coming spring and paying respects to their fallen comrades (which would explain the beats and drum progressions of the song). On the other hand, it could be a Viking funeral, setting a burning boat to sea with the body on it to drift and burn until it sinks. I'm really not sure.

Either way, this couple of lines stick in me: "Said goodbye to you, my friend, as the fire spread / All that's left are your bones that will soon sink like stones." While quite depressing, illustrating the idea of death being so permanent that people eventually forget you is something that not many people are willing to touch on. It's not exactly true in terms of the eternal life we're given by following God, but still. Good on you, OMaM.

---

Now that I've given some spotlights to a few of my favorite songs right now, I want to share two things.

First, a list of songs that I listened to in my media messages class that you guys should definitely check out:

• Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin
• C-Minor - Mewithoutyou
• Sigh No More - Mumford & Sons
• Known and Loved - Joel Ansett
• Neon Bible - Arcade Fire

Second... I WAS FEATURED IN A MOVIE!

Not a legitimate, multi-million-dollar budget film, but a short film for a film festival hosted by the guys' dorms. My friend Emily – a multi-talented, super-smart fellow English major with a major in creative writing as well – made a film that I'd love to share with you all! It's called Name Tag, and I hope on behalf of all of us that you viewers enjoy. It has a stellar soundtrack, if I do say so myself, so I recommend all of these songs (found in the credits) to you. Until next time...

- Sara

Strength

I apologize for the late post. I'm still trying to get the hang of blogging that requires actual blogging on a weekly basis again. Plus, when life gets hard, remembering to update social media becomes the least of your worries until times like this – you know, when the caffeine surging through your veins from an earlier coffee run keeps you awake at night.

I'm sure you also know the feeling when a certain part of a conversation is stuck in your head, and you just can't get it out, no matter how hard you try. I'm having that problem right now. Earlier tonight, Morgan, Kerry, and I were discussing how delicate the human mind really is. The human brain is essentially a mushy supercomputer in one's head, yet in one fell swoop, it can cease to function normally and throw a person's entire life into chaos. We are walking contradictions, and God created us in such a way that is far too complicated and intentional for any other means of our creation to be even remotely as plausible.

We are capable of doing so much on this earth because God gave us permission to do so in Genesis 1:28 – "And God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth." Yet we are still dependent on Him because we are merely a fallen, broken people, and He is perfect and sinless. We need Christ to show us through Scripture and faith that His eternal love and his sacrifice on the cross is the reason why we are here today, standing strong as we share the Gospel with the world.

Sometimes, I forget that humans are weaker than they actually seem, but I am reminded every day that I cannot do anything by myself. I am still coming to terms with the idea of not having autonomy, even after becoming legally able to not depend on anyone but myself anymore. Independence has always been a huge aspiration of mine, and knowing that I, as a Christian, am not capable of it... it was a big blow to my ego, to put it bluntly.

But in the times in which I remember that I am not as strong as I think I am, there is a relief as well. One particular time stands out that happened just recently.

I went to Fairhope, Alabama for spring break with a few of my friends, and on our last night there, we went to the bay near Erica's house. The sun had set just hours before, and most of us had walked out to the edge of the pier overlooking the water, the lights of Mobile gleaming in the distance. We were standing around, taking in the beautiful scene – dark water reflected by the moon in the star-specked sky – when I looked down at my feet and noticed that someone had written a Bible verse on the pier just a few days before:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

My heart felt like it had skipped a beat when I read the verse. For the past couple of months (and even now), i'd been feeling overwhelmed with various problems, and to see those words in front of me felt like a sign. I needed to remember who gave me a purpose on this earth that cannot be fulfilled on my own. I need the grace of God to give me the strength to do everything that I want and need to do.

It's not an immediate solution to my struggle, but it is an improvement towards my own betterment as a Christian. I need God because he gives me strength through His love.

- Sara

Return

I said I would post when I got my computer back, and I'm holding true to my word. My computer and I were reunited on Thursday morning after a month and a half of figuring out a way to pay for more unexpected repairs due to the carelessness of UPS. Note to anyone: if you're looking to ship fragile items out, go with FedEx. I promise you, you won't be as disappointed in the long run.

Why, you ask?

Well... After trusting UPS to ship my laptop to the Gateway repair center in Texas, I received a phone call a few days later from a representative. She regretted to inform me that it had arrived with more damage than I'd reported, which resulted in some... quite passive-aggressive ranting while I resorted to working on assignments in the student center's computer lab and the library.

Some time, many phone calls, and $250 later, I bring you to the current point in time. I don't have anything particularly thrilling to share with you now, but by next week, I'll be able to share. Until then, I shall be rejoicing in my return to the internet by doing homework on my own computer. I can't tell you how exciting that is... and how lame I really am, now that I think about it.

- Sara

Update

I'm still alive, I promise - inactive on much of the internet, but still alive.

I have a legitimate reason (besides procrastination/laziness/lack of words) for not posting in so long. My laptop has actually been out of commission for the better part of a month now due to a loose charger port, and there aren't many places that I can post where I don't feel like somebody is watching over my shoulder... So until my beloved Lancaster returns from his trip to the Gateway repair center in Texas, posting regularly is out of the question.

What have I been up to since my last post, you may ask?

Well... The past few weeks have been a mental roller coaster, to say the least. The high points include:

• a "snow day" that consisted of a thick dusting of snow, which is quite rare in a warm, humid place like Mississippi.
• learning that I will actually be able to double-minor in psychology and creative writing in my time at Belhaven after all.
• seeing Jars of Clay, a very well-known Christian band, live for the first time right here in Jackson.
• being able to read many more books while my laptop isn't working. *gasp*
• a Valentine's Day surprise to the girls of my group of friends, courtesy of all of the guys.
• learning how to swing dance... sort of.
• reevaluating some of my feelings and cementing bonds I didn't know I wanted to have with people.
• enjoying every day that God is giving me to live and learn about Him and all that he does for us.

And the low points?

• getting trapped in my own thoughts more often than usual and worrying about things that I should be putting trust in God for instead.
• trudging through 17 hours of classes a week and all of the homework that comes with the class time.
• catching a case of bronchitis and ending up in the emergency room for a few hours, resulting in some awkward moments for my friend Nathan and me.
• having absolutely no idea as to what to do about my creative writing portfolio anymore.
• 70-degree weather in the middle of February.

In a few words, the past few weeks have been crazy, eventful, interesting, and unforgettable. I'm not exactly sure where to start, in terms of elaborating all of this... So I'm just going to leave it at this and come back to tell stories of my adventures when I am able to post on my own computer. Sound good?

Until next time, all.

- Sara

Glory

So much for posting on Saturday... Let's try this again.

I'd love to give a long, insightful post about what has been on my mind for the past week, but I'm honestly not quite sure how to put a large part of it into words. I do, however, have a particular moment from today that I feel is worth sharing.

Yesterday morning, a few friends and I sat in our normal row in front of Fondren Church's stage. I pulled out my Bible and notebook as I do every Sunday, ready for the service... until the pastor mentioned that there may not be enough room for everyone without putting people on the stage to act as a choir. The five of us (Kerry, Nathan, Erica, Trianne, and myself) looked at each other before agreeing to sit onstage if necessary.

It was both necessary and... wonderful, to say the least.

When the band started playing the first song of the service, the kick of the bass drum seemed to reverberate from my chest outward – as if someone were kicking a pedal against my heart to keep it beating. I had been a bit nervous to sit onstage at first, where so many people could see me. However, for some reason, being surrounded by music played by such talented people in the name of God for fellow people of God...

There was something different in the words I sang to Him that morning. They felt so much more... real than they have before. Like they really meant something – like I was baring the deepest, darkest, most misunderstood parts of my soul and spilling them out for Him to see. My heart ached with the most intense desire – no, need – I'd ever felt in my life when I sang out, "Show me Your glory... Show me Your glory."

And nothing compares to that feeling, my friends.

I wish I had more to say, but I don't think there's much else to say.

So until I do have more to say, I leave you with this song (the one I referenced above):

- Sara