Yikes. I remember explicitly stating that I was going to post once every two weeks when I left Belhaven... Yet here I am, over a month later, and I'm just getting around to updating. I could spew a thousand apologies to the few people that actually read this blog, but I feel like they'd just be empty because I have no legitimate reason for my not posting. I think it was merely not doing anything worthy of blogging about or a lack of motivation to do much of anything...
But I digress.
My summer vacation thus far has been relatively uneventful. When I first arrived in Vancleave, I felt lost and uprooted from the place that had become my home. It helped that I still saw Christian every day because I was able to remind myself that the past nine months of my life were not merely a wild dream. She was aware of all that had gone on just like I was, and it helped me adjust. She and her family were wonderful hosts to me for the entire month of May; the fact that they consider me family enough to allow me to sleep over for so long warms the coddles of my heart. Aside from catching up with the few friends I have, now that they don't see me every day in the halls, the month of May is a blur of Tumblr, Guitar Hero, writing poetry, listening to countless hours of music, and watching movies.
However, when I returned to my place of residence in Vicksburg, Mississippi, the little solace I found in Vancleave was yanked from under me, and I found myself falling into a place I hadn't been in a long while and never wanted to return to. Ideally, seeing my family again should have shot my heart skyward. My mother and sister seemed excited to see me, from the countless phone calls I had received since I had left Jackson. But for some reason, I couldn't for the life of me reciprocate the pure joy that they exuded. Instead, I felt this sense of dread clenching my heart at the thought of going back. I had stayed with my best friend and her family the day before I left, and I distinctly remember her mother asking me if I was okay – she had noticed before I did that I was anxious about going home.
My reasons for my anxieties are so intricately entangled that I could not even begin to explain them in a blog post. In short, I had no desire to stay in Vicksburg – a place that I had no emotional attachment to and where nobody knew who I was anymore. Still, I was obligated to see my family for obvious reasons, so I journeyed back to central Mississippi on Memorial Day. Now that I think about it, I find it ironic that while many were celebrating their freedom, I was headed to a place where the wings I'd spread at school were now clipped, keeping me trapped in a cage that reeks of cleaning products and perfume.
The first week was by far the worst. I had no desire to do anything or see anybody, and ingesting anything besides a cup or two of coffee and a few bananas a day was out of the question. This thick fog of anxiety and sadness weighed me down, and it wasn't until I asked for help from Kerry that I was able to find some sort of relief from the pressure. Now, things are a little easier, although I'm far from content with where I am.
You're probably reading this and thinking, "Seriously, Sara, it's not that bad. You're home from college for the summer. Get a grip." It's more than that, though. Imagine being taken from the one place you could be yourself without fear of being invalidated or belittled for things you can't help. Belhaven is where I've been able to grow not only as a student, but as a friend, a person, and a daughter of Christ. I don't fit in the same place of the jigsaw puzzle that is my life before I left, and to try to be forced to do so hurts.
I will say, though, that my summer isn't completely terrible so far. Texting and Skyping with my friends from school has made things a lot more bearable, and praying to God and giving Him my troubles is more relieving than I ever would have guessed. I even listen to the sermons that Fondren Church puts up online to make up for not being able to go to church on Sundays like I would like to. I have even been able to see a couple of my friends in person!
Yes, I actually do live close enough to people from Belhaven to actually spend time with them. Kristine and I had been planning to hang out for a few weeks, and this past Monday, she drove from Madison (which is about an hour away from where I am) to pick me up so I could spend a couple of days with her. She, April, and I spent that Monday and Tuesday paddleboarding, looking around in different stores at one of the malls in Jackson, getting lunch and Starbucks, and just enjoying each other's company. I was sad when I had to return home, but I know that won't be the last time I'll see them until August.
In short, I'm slowly adjusting to being here. I'm more excited for summer to be over than I should be, but it could definitely be worse... I just have to take it one day at a time.
Before I disappear for who knows how long, I want to share a few songs with you guys! In honor of my favorite book's movie adaptation coming out in theaters yesterday, I want to share my favorite song from the soundtrack. I haven't seen The Fault in Our Stars yet, so I have no idea where this song is placed in the big scheme of things, but "Best Shot" by Birdy and Jaymes Young is such a heartwarming, beautiful track that I can't get out of my head.
Speaking of songs I can't get out of my head... I discovered a perfect summer jam for the pop-punk kid that lives in us all. If you listen to the radio, I'm sure you've heard this already, but "She Looks so Perfect" by 5 Seconds of Summer is one of those songs that I always catch myself singing. Like... imagine that scene from Easy A where Emma Stone's character goes from catching herself humming "Pocketful of Sunshine" to constantly belting it out wherever she goes. That's me with this song. (Also, if you like that song by 5SOS, you should definitely also check out "Don't Stop"... the music video involves them acting like goofs in superhero costumes and singing more catchy pop-punk hooks. What could be better?)
Lastly, I am in love with this cover of The Jackson 5's "Want You Back". Oh No Fiasco! does a wonderful job of making this song their own while still sticking close to the original – the main goal of a song cover. Sure, there are some lyric changes to keep the singer from committing a musical "no homo", but unlike most cases, I think it works well here.
I think that's about all I can say for now. I hope to come back in a couple of weeks with something besides me ranting about my life. Until next time! ^-^
- Sara
