Bewilderment

NOTE: Remember when I said I was only going to post once a week? I don't think that's going to happen. I'm so terrible at keeping up with schedules that you can expect a post... well, whenever I feel like posting. I will write at least one post a week, but if I manage to write more, then that should be a good thing, right?

Now, onward, to the actual blog post!

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By the time this post is published, I will probably have looked over what I have written at least twenty times to make sure I get the point across. Yet, I will always feel as if there is something else to be stated or clarified, and I will probably never be satisfied.

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My topic of discussion in this post is one that pretty much is just going to throw you readers into a small corner of my mixed-up soul for a bit. I wish I had more to talk about tonight, but since this has been on my mind for the better part of a week, I must vent about it to you, mysterious readers.

*crickets* ... If there even are people who read this.

Anyway. I would like to stray away from this persona of a bright college student to talk about matters of the heart. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ugh, she's one of those girls. She's been in college for less than two months, and she's already trying to get a boyfriend."

In my defense, it isn't as if I was trying to search for someone about whom I feel this way. It just sort of... happened. I am surprised that it happened so soon, too, because I tend to be quite wary when it comes to involving romantic emotions with interpersonal connections. I guess that comes with the territory of playing the role of the rejected in so many situations.

On another note: I'm not so much trying to snag a boyfriend for the sake of trying. I have no desire to pursue a serious relationship so soon when I have four years in college alone to do so. I would much rather enjoy getting to know this particular boy quite well over the course of our time here. However, if at any point in time, a relationship is established, I don't think I would be opposed to that. JUST NOT NOW. What do you think I am, some sort of floozy?

It's just... There's something about this particular boy that catches my eye. We have nothing in common, in terms of mundane things such as preference of Internet browsers (something I like to think is a quite serious matter). However, I feel as if, once he permits me to dig a little deeper (so to speak), and I am able to really get to know him, I will be much more satisfied and able to have a legitimate interest in him, rather than just an acute infatuation.

It's really upsetting, having crushes on people that one barely knows. I personally tend to build this idea of what this person is like, based on what I know, and sort of toy with that idea. Later, when I actually learn that that person isn't what I expected, I'm typically either disappointed or pleasantly shocked that my vision has been contradicted. I am wholeheartedly hoping that the latter occurs this time because, while I don't mind that a boy zigs when I thought he would zag, it's just the most confusing thing ever.

I could ramble forever about how intrigued I am about this boy, but instead, I will leave you with this and try to make more sense of my emotions as time goes on. Here's to hoping that I am able to actually go through with my personal mission.

tl;dr - all of these feelings make me a very confused person.

- Sara