Tonight... I speak of my personal beliefs. *ominous crash of thunder*
Honestly, if I had created this blog a couple of years ago, I would definitely not have considered taking this route. I was utterly against discussing anything that related to spirituality and faith when I was a young and stupid teenager. Of course, I'm still a young and stupid teenager now, but I'd like to think that I'm significantly less stupid...
Still, I'm more open to discussing this sort of thing, even with whoever happens to read this blog. With that, we take a trip on my cerebral railway system (please keep all extremities in the cart at all times)...
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When I was quite young, I considered myself a Christian. My mom attempted to raise my sister and me as Catholic because her family was, and my dad had little to no interest in going to church (for what reason, I'm still unsure). I openly accepted the Sunday school lessons, complete with "Jesus loves you" mantras, but did not think of church as much more than merely something to do on Sundays. I slept or played Pokémon on my worn Game Boy during Mass because, really, what child would want to sit down in a pew for an hour and listen to the service?
For a short time, we also attempted to go to a Baptist church in my hometown because it was closer, and while I preferred the less formal approach to how the service was held, I realized that I could never understand what was going on. At nine or ten years old, I seemed to think that the Bible just... didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder just what it was that kept me there.
As I got older and circumstances grew worse, my mom stopped forcing my sister and me to go to church, and my doubt in the word of God grew. By the time I was fourteen, I believed I was an atheist because I just didn't get church, and I didn't want to get it. I was by no means one of the smug, elitist atheists that I used to come across back home, but I refused to talk about religion because the idea of someone believing I didn't think existed... Well, it pissed me off, to put it bluntly.
Over the course of the next couple of years, I attempted to find my faith again because I was tired of having my mother tell me that I had a place reserved for me in hell (which honestly didn't make sense to me, considering that atheists don't believe in hell). I tried going back to the Baptist church I went to as a child, only to find out that something didn't sit well with me. I felt as if I didn't belong. It seemed like there was a neon sign hanging over me that flashed in large letters: "I AM AN ATHEIST. MAKE ME FEEL UNWELCOME."
I feel as if those years of my life weren't terrible, despite the lack of faith I had in any sort of God. I managed to open myself up to all sorts of learning when it came to religion and philosophy. I considered myself agnostic from the time I was sixteen or so until now because I was so receptive to others' ideas that I couldn't just... not believe in something. It seemed impossible not to. I just didn't know what it was that I believed.
Still, there was one religion I knew next to nothing about, aside from the biased points made in all of the arguments between my friends that were believers and those who were not - Christianity. The only things I did know came from my friend Shelby, a devout Roman Catholic who was more than happy to teach me a good bit of what she knew. Part of the reason I came to a Christian university was to learn more about the religion and find where I stood with God...
Honestly, if I had created this blog a couple of years ago, I would definitely not have considered taking this route. I was utterly against discussing anything that related to spirituality and faith when I was a young and stupid teenager. Of course, I'm still a young and stupid teenager now, but I'd like to think that I'm significantly less stupid...
Still, I'm more open to discussing this sort of thing, even with whoever happens to read this blog. With that, we take a trip on my cerebral railway system (please keep all extremities in the cart at all times)...
---
When I was quite young, I considered myself a Christian. My mom attempted to raise my sister and me as Catholic because her family was, and my dad had little to no interest in going to church (for what reason, I'm still unsure). I openly accepted the Sunday school lessons, complete with "Jesus loves you" mantras, but did not think of church as much more than merely something to do on Sundays. I slept or played Pokémon on my worn Game Boy during Mass because, really, what child would want to sit down in a pew for an hour and listen to the service?
For a short time, we also attempted to go to a Baptist church in my hometown because it was closer, and while I preferred the less formal approach to how the service was held, I realized that I could never understand what was going on. At nine or ten years old, I seemed to think that the Bible just... didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder just what it was that kept me there.
As I got older and circumstances grew worse, my mom stopped forcing my sister and me to go to church, and my doubt in the word of God grew. By the time I was fourteen, I believed I was an atheist because I just didn't get church, and I didn't want to get it. I was by no means one of the smug, elitist atheists that I used to come across back home, but I refused to talk about religion because the idea of someone believing I didn't think existed... Well, it pissed me off, to put it bluntly.
Over the course of the next couple of years, I attempted to find my faith again because I was tired of having my mother tell me that I had a place reserved for me in hell (which honestly didn't make sense to me, considering that atheists don't believe in hell). I tried going back to the Baptist church I went to as a child, only to find out that something didn't sit well with me. I felt as if I didn't belong. It seemed like there was a neon sign hanging over me that flashed in large letters: "I AM AN ATHEIST. MAKE ME FEEL UNWELCOME."
I feel as if those years of my life weren't terrible, despite the lack of faith I had in any sort of God. I managed to open myself up to all sorts of learning when it came to religion and philosophy. I considered myself agnostic from the time I was sixteen or so until now because I was so receptive to others' ideas that I couldn't just... not believe in something. It seemed impossible not to. I just didn't know what it was that I believed.
Still, there was one religion I knew next to nothing about, aside from the biased points made in all of the arguments between my friends that were believers and those who were not - Christianity. The only things I did know came from my friend Shelby, a devout Roman Catholic who was more than happy to teach me a good bit of what she knew. Part of the reason I came to a Christian university was to learn more about the religion and find where I stood with God...
... And today, almost three months into my first semester at Belhaven, I am able to say with utmost confidence that I feel God calling me to Him. Thanks to the teaching of His word that I've been receiving (both in school and at the church I've been going to in my time here), as well as the advice and encouragement from my friends, I have learned that I don't have to make sense of everything to know that the Lord is there for me when I fall. He has been there all of these years, even when I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that He didn't exist, and He will continue to be there for me, no matter what I do.
A side note: the church in which I've found my niche is an absolutely perfect fit for me. Fondren is a contemporary nondenominational church, which is great for someone like me - a person who needs space for ideas to roam and can't take very much of strict rules and traditions. The services are just a few songs and praise (with Scripture and all), but I honestly have never felt so at home in a church before. My heart feels as if it's close to bursting every time I step foot into the service because I'm just so happy to know that these people can come together for God's word and truly love one another.
A side note: the church in which I've found my niche is an absolutely perfect fit for me. Fondren is a contemporary nondenominational church, which is great for someone like me - a person who needs space for ideas to roam and can't take very much of strict rules and traditions. The services are just a few songs and praise (with Scripture and all), but I honestly have never felt so at home in a church before. My heart feels as if it's close to bursting every time I step foot into the service because I'm just so happy to know that these people can come together for God's word and truly love one another.
Anyway... I'm using this time as my way of thanking God for giving me all of these opportunities, as well as to say that I am so glad to have come this far in my journey to Him.
Thank you.
- Sara
Thank you.
- Sara
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