Still, there is something in me that isn't completely adjusted to being back.
Spending my entire Christmas break ignored and lonely (aside from the texts and Skype calls from my friends) has made me both value and despise alone time. I love my family in small doses, but I cannot be around any of them for too long because I get so stressed by them that I just shut down. Combine that with my overwhelming desire to come back to my friends on-campus, and my family probably thought I was depressed when they saw how much time I spent away from everyone.
And yet...
Now that I'm back, I'm not nearly as open to being around everyone as I thought I would be upon returning. I missed them with all of my heart, but I'm so used to being alone that I can't be around a large group of people for more than a few hours at a time. At first, it just feels as if I'm mentally tired and overstimulated, but then something else that rarely comes to me sets in. You know that feeling you get when you're uncomfortable in a situation – that heart-clenching, adrenaline-spiking, fight-or-flight sensation? That's what I get when I'm around people for too long now.
These spurts of intense introversion combined with the multitude of things I've been reflecting on lately have given me this intense desire to escape. As a result, I've begun to wander the campus in search of a place to just... stew in my thoughts for a little while. One of the best things about Belhaven is that because it's so small, it's quite easy to explore and find all sorts of nooks and crannies to hide and ponder in. Between journaling and prayer, I'll find myself sitting in one place for over an hour before I realize that I need to eat or warm up or something.
I'm hoping that this is a temporary thing because I'm not at all used to such an overwhelming need for time alone, even as an extreme introvert. I love being introspective and giving myself the time to think, but I don't want to withdraw... and I don't want to expose myself to people in order to get over the need to withdraw.
The struggle is real.
- Sara
And yet...
Now that I'm back, I'm not nearly as open to being around everyone as I thought I would be upon returning. I missed them with all of my heart, but I'm so used to being alone that I can't be around a large group of people for more than a few hours at a time. At first, it just feels as if I'm mentally tired and overstimulated, but then something else that rarely comes to me sets in. You know that feeling you get when you're uncomfortable in a situation – that heart-clenching, adrenaline-spiking, fight-or-flight sensation? That's what I get when I'm around people for too long now.
These spurts of intense introversion combined with the multitude of things I've been reflecting on lately have given me this intense desire to escape. As a result, I've begun to wander the campus in search of a place to just... stew in my thoughts for a little while. One of the best things about Belhaven is that because it's so small, it's quite easy to explore and find all sorts of nooks and crannies to hide and ponder in. Between journaling and prayer, I'll find myself sitting in one place for over an hour before I realize that I need to eat or warm up or something.
I'm hoping that this is a temporary thing because I'm not at all used to such an overwhelming need for time alone, even as an extreme introvert. I love being introspective and giving myself the time to think, but I don't want to withdraw... and I don't want to expose myself to people in order to get over the need to withdraw.
The struggle is real.
- Sara
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