Salvation

I'm probably going to regret beginning this post at 3:30 in the morning, but for some inexplicable reason, I have no desire to sleep and the itch to tell a story. I apologize in advance for any oddities due to the witching hour's effects on my thought process, but as Ernest Hemingway once said, "Write drunk; edit sober."

... I think that could apply, even though I'm merely sleep-deprived.

Anyway.

If you've been keeping track of my posts, you'll know that I've been going through this spiritual transformation of sorts. I arrived at Belhaven with a firm belief in agnosticism (which, now that I think about it, seems oxymoronic because agnosticism stems from uncertainty). However, after taking the chance to start learning about just what Christianity is about and with the help of some great people, I was pushed to precariously balance on the edge of and fall from the metaphorical cliff of independence.

In less flowery words, I was saved.

I almost refrained from posting about this, knowing that it's an incredibly personal topic. However, I felt as if I was close to bursting last week, when it was still fresh in my mind... So I thought it was worthy of sharing with whoever happens to be reading this.

I was troubled with this question of how to trust in Him when it seemed as if I was doing relatively well already. Not only that, but I wasn't quite sure how to admit that I was afraid of not being completely in control of myself. In words that weren't nearly as eloquent, I gathered the courage to reach out for help from Josh.

Struggling to put my thoughts into spoken words is difficult, but doing so with written words is much harder when you're not even sure what to say. I had been struggling with asking questions when I suddenly got a call, and Josh and I ended up discussing this over Skype for over an hour. I wish I could say I wasn't scared to answer some of the questions I was asked without lying, and there were points in the conversation where I was thinking, 'Just what am I doing? Is this really what's right?'

Still, being able to have some questions that I've never asked anyone before answered and to answer questions that nobody had tried to ask me before was one of the most... surreal experiences. I felt so vulnerable, telling all of this to this boy I've only known for a few months, but for some reason, it felt like that short span of time didn't matter. I hadn't even realized that I was beginning to cry until after Josh had told me the story of the Gospel and explained just what being a Christian entailed, and he asked me, "Do you still want to be a part of all of this?"

Of all of the struggles and hardships in searching for oneself and glorifying Him in all that I can do? Of not being sure all of the time and having to reach out for help, just as I had that night? Of giving myself up to God and knowing that I don't control my life anymore? I had to pause for a long moment to think: 'Do I really want this?' 

My heart had said yes long ago - otherwise, I don't think I'd have chosen to even come to Belhaven (even if it did have a phenomenal English department) if I weren't open to God's word. Still, something in my head had stalled me - almost as if someone were holding a switch in there between on and off, trying to keep whatever that switch controlled off. And yet, there was a still stronger force than my mind calling to me, beckoning me to His glory, wrapping me in His love. I'd never felt so full of warmth when I prayed with Josh that evening to become one of His daughters - when I said, "Yes."

Of course, I still have a lot to learn. When does anyone not? It's a journey that never ends until the day one leaves this earth - one that I hope to enjoy wholeheartedly from now on with Christ in my heart and all around me.

"Welcome to the family."

- Sara